Alone but not lonely

In August I was cycling back from a festival terrain in Belgium to my campsite. It was a balmy summer night. I was humming some of the music I had heard. I passed several guard stations where people stand who have been hired to herd drunken people in the right direction of the campsite. Suddenly one of the guards, a faceless person from the dark said to me in a slightly sinister voice: "Alone and lonely in the night". I was too surprised to stop. Slowly I cycled onwards through the night and I pondered his words. Alone AND lonely. Well, I was definitely alone. He was right about that. But lonely... no. I did not feel lonely at all. Did I look lonely? Was he lonely? I cycled on into a dream forest. There were dancing white figures on several trees, eerie music tinkling away through the otherwise silent night. I stopped. In that moment I was completely alone. No other people around. And I reveled in this wonder, this moment, this music and this art. My heart swelled. I did not want it to stop.

I cycled on. Back into the glaring lights of campsite B, my very small tent and my 2000 camp mates. Whom I did not know and would never know. Earlier that same day I had had a lovely chat with a stranger. We connected for a while, shared some thoughts and he ended the conversation with one of the nicest compliments anyone has ever given me. We parted without knowing each other's names. And I was happy and felt rich and part of life. Connected. Warm. Whole. 

Sometimes I do feel lonely. When I want to share something, good or bad, and there is no-one there. When I see two people that are a whole together and I feel like a half of one. But usually not. I feel fine when I am alone.  I'm actually pretty good company I've found ;). 

Most of us want to belong and I am no different. To a partner, to a family, to a group of friends, a team, together. We had this amazing time when..., do you remember that day when we did, saw, felt... You build up something together, call it a history, call it love, call it a connection.


Marina Keegan wrote this amazing essay about what she called 'the opposite of loneliness'. How wonderful it can be to feel a part of something and how scary it is to move on, to change. What that felt like to her, that she was afraid to lose it and so happy to be in it. And to be open to and optimistic about the opportunities and possibilities in life because you can always start over, try something different. Even though she was 22 and I am 36 now I still feel the same. The world is open and full of lovely people who I want to share time with and interesting jobs and exciting adventures. And since I will spend most of the time of my life with... yes myself, I had better enjoy myself to the fullest too.

Yes life, I am ready for the next day. Alone but not lonely. Bring it on!