Daring to be better - the courage to practice compassion and vulnerability

I reached a personal milestone last week. I lost a lot of weight (>20 kg) recently and am back now at the weight that I had before my accident 6 years ago. And even more important than this (measurable) physical aspect I am filled with a reservoir of positive energy and gratefulness for what and where life has brought me so far. That is harder to define as a milestone and less visible than weight loss but has more meaning for me. 

A friend complimented me last week on my (continuing) weight loss and asked me with a wry laugh, as an afterthought, ...and how do you do it? That made me think. There is no easy answer and it was certainly not an easy or quick road and many factors have contributed. Yet musing about this over the last week I concluded that my successful changes do go back to one core belief and change. Actually 2 things. One, the confidence and belief that I can change my attitude. Two, my actual change of actively practicing compassion and vulnerability every day. 

A couple of years back during a really hard time in my life, 4 different people in my life ended up giving me similar advice. In face of such overwhelming odds ;) I chose to follow their advice and try to improve myself by practicing new behaviours. During the last 5 years I have tried many different things, made many mistakes, failed numerous times, have had many relapses - fallen on my face, knees and arse figuratively - but I got up every time and never stopped trying. One thing that practicing and failing repeatedly has taught me is to get up quicker when I fall down and to do better next time.

1. First, my counsellor helped me realize and accept that some bad things had happened to me. I had difficulty acknowledging that and letting myself feel pain and loss. My default reaction up till then was to downplay (negative) emotions and their effect on me... to my friends, my family, my ex-partner and worst of all myself. Feeling the need to compare my pain to others - "oh it's not so bad you know compared to xxx" - or to force myself to be positive left no room for my pain, for my real feelings. For some reason I thought I had to be superhuman, instead of just human, to be accepted and to function. And hiding my pain (both physical and emotional) was one bad result of those thoughts. So I tried to numb my pain. The consequence of numbing my feelings was a downward spiral of which gaining weight was one aspect. Now, in contrast, when something bad happens, I make time and room for those feelings and reach out to my friends or family and ask for help because I can acknowledge to myself that something bad happened, whether that is small or big. This is easier said than done of course and it took me years of practicing vulnerability with the people closest to me to accept those (negative) emotions as a valuable part of me and my life. By opening up and sharing my feelings more I also received the gifts of other people sharing their fears and pain with me, making more meaningful connections with my loved ones, acquaintances and with complete strangers that I meet. This has made the world so much more beautiful (and less scary) to me.

2. Second, my mother gave me the advice of treating myself as my best friend. Till today I still consider this the best advice I have ever had in my life and I am so grateful that she shared that with me. This also took years of practice. What I used to do is berate myself (out loud or in my head) when I failed at something or did something stupid or when I didn't magically improve quick enough. I had this continuous nagging voice telling me "I am so stupid", or "Why did I fail again? I just cannot do it", or "I will never be 'good'/'fun'/'smart'/'fill in whatever is appropriate' enough for xx person/situation". With her advice I tried to assess and look at each situation that generated negative feelings outside of myself and try to formulate what I would say to one of my best friends if this had happened to them instead of me. In no scenario would I ever (!!) say to them what I said to myself, I was downright mean to myself. So I tried to practice saying to myself what I would say to my best friend. Out loud and in my head, until this became a habit and slowly replaced the nagging voice. 

3. Third, a very good friend told me in this same period of her own difficult experiences and suggested keeping a compliments diary in order to focus more on positive messages every day. During a tough time, or a time of depression, it is especially hard to recognize the positive messages around you. And for me personally in the past I downplayed compliments just as hard as any negative events in my life, not appreciating or accepting and fully enjoying those moments. I had gotten into the habit of just berating myself. It felt stupid at first to keep a diary, and also to rewrite the compliments about myself in the first form, but I persisted and it really worked for me. It made me more grateful and better at receiving and giving compliments. Acknowledging and receiving a compliment from someone and demonstrating joy to them is a form of vulnerability as well I think. A whole world of positive vulnerable connections opened up to me, and that could be as diverse as someone in public transport giving a compliment about my smile to a friend saying that I am brave. And it also made me realize who the people are in my life that give (compliments or other things) and who the people are that never do. 

4. And fourth, in the same year I started a self leadership at work to try and find out more about where and how and what I wanted to go and be and do in a work environment. One of the key messages that I defined with the coach for myself in this year long course was to be milder to myself, and to practice that mildness more. Because that same berating voice held me back at work as well, making me afraid to fail, to be stupid, or to try. And in the same way, I also realized that I was stricter and meaner in the messages to myself than I would ever be to a colleague so I continued practicing saying to myself what I would say to a friend at work as well.

I think that all these messages have the following in common: practicing compassion and vulnerability. The vulnerability to acknowledge and share (difficult) feelings and setbacks in life and to react to them with compassion and understanding. What I had to learn was to apply those to myself in order to gain more happiness and meaning in my life. And it takes work and time to keep doing that, it does not happen by itself. I have to consciously make an effort. 

Recently, I invested 3 months of time in myself and did a lot of thinking and reflecting about what is important to me and who I want to be. It was one of the greater experiences of my life, liberating and fulfilling. I don't think this will be directly (or magically) transferable to anyone else in the exact same way but I do think that me telling my story and sharing my struggles could make a difference or be a drop in the bucket that gives you the confidence to try out what might work for you. At least that is what I hope. Anyone can change, as long as you are open to the possibility and are willing to put in work on yourself. Because that is what it takes, investing in yourself. Believing that you are worth the effort. Thinking about who you want to be rather than what you want to do or what resolution you want to keep this year.

And the truth is that in my situation my weight loss had very little to do with a diet change (I get asked that a lot). I (still) enjoy eating good food every day, the difference is that I do not eat any more to fill up a gaping hole or numb emotions in my life. The most significant change for me has been increasing my happiness and fulfillment and pursuing a healthy, active and meaningful lifestyle which has the follow on effect that it makes it easier not to relapse into emotional eating or into crawling under a blanket and netflixing my days away. 

My sources of inspiration amongst other are:

- books and videos by Brene Brown

- lecture and book by Tony Crabbe

- lecture and book by Arun Gandhi

- the school of life

- meaningful conversations with strangers

- always my very dear family and friends